THE DANGER IN DOING OPEN MICS: All your jokes are about your vagina??? Read this

It could be all in my head but it feels like the energy changes every time I get on stage at a open mic. It’s like I’m being tested and judged over and over again by the same people, same open micers. Honestly it’s hard enough to do an open mic with 17 dudes who have no interests in my jokes unless my pussy is involved. So why don’t you guys start giving female comics a break?? I seriously don’t want to write pussy jokes to get your attention, what’s your excuse?

I don’t get those comics who would do anything not to “bomb at a mic”, those comics who pay $5 to get up and were waiting over an hour and end up doing inside jokes just to cater to open micers crowd #creek&cave. WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE??? Why are you wasting everybody’s time?? YES don’t get me wrong, sometimes “killing” at a mic feels like you just killed at a show in the hood, you made comedians laugh (!!), that’s a great feeling but how come you didn't do none of your jokes? Sometimes I open my set with my “best” joke just to see how judgmental is this open mic. Then I can tell if they’re with me or against me. I get that sometimes we don’t feel like doing jokes, and “waste” it over a open mic but the last thing you wanna do is try something brand new with a real crowd and then eat your ass. Sure at some point you have enough stage time to try new stuff with real crowd but if that was the case you wouldn't read this blog.

My first 2-3 years I averaged about 15-20 mics a week. Until I started doing shows on a regular basis and realized how much of my material is going to trash because I don’t get an honest response at a mic. One of my fav jokes which I close my act sometimes didn’t get ANYTHING at a open mic, and that was a wake up call for me to start trusting myself with what I believe is funny and not looking for confirmation from a buncha dudes. December was a good month for me, I had over 20 shows, almost all sold out and the more I got in front of real people the less I wanted to deal with open mics.

There’s no such thing bombing at a open mic. There’s no such thing bombing at a open mic. There’s no such thing bombing at a open mic. There’s no such thing bombing at a open mic. There’s no such thing bombing at a open mic. There’s no such thing bombing at a open mic. I have to tell myself that too. WHY you don’t bomb at a open mic??? We all run the same circles, we hear each others joke again and again, I might find it funny but you won’t get a laugh at this point when I already heard it 3 times. Also comics are just waiting to get up and not necessarily focus on the things you wrote today. There’re so many reason why comics don’t laugh from other comics, could be jealousy, could be not giving a fuck and it could be your delivery.. but whatever it is it’s not because you bombed.

The best thing to do to get out of this open mic circle is produce your own show or network like a motha fucka. It’s NYC there’e like 10 shows at least at every bar with a stage, it might not be the best show u’ll do but it would be healthier than a open mic. Don’t get stack on this open mic circle, it’s unhealthy, it’s discouraging, and competitive (which could be a good thing but not in this case). It’s easy to get on but with just a little bit more effort you can get on a real show.
Sorry this wasn’t funny at all. But honestly I DON’T GIVE A FUCK.
Yours truly
RICKI M. SOFER

GUIDE TO THE FEMALE COMEDIAN: Sleeping with all the comics? Don’t know what the wear on stage? This is for you.

Eps 1.
HOT OR NOT ON STAGE:

Only female comedians know the struggle between looking hot or NOT on stage. There’s nothing worse than eliminating your crowd because your’e the hot funny bitch who came to steal all the boyfriends in the crowd. Or at least that how most of us female comics feel.
Stand Up Comedy is controlled by males and lesbians and if you’re neither than you need to be really funny. For those of you who never noticed a comedy show line up you will usually find per show 7 male comics and 1 female comic or NONE. WHERE ARE THE FEMALE COMICS?? Plenty of us are out there, those who do it for a long time aka funny and decide to have kids it’s pretty much impossible to work every night when you have a kid. And let’s face it the game is pretty much over for you. Because nobody takes babies on the road. That’s gay. Sadly you become a working comic usually at the time you are ready to have a family. So that’s something you gotta consider. And honestly I don’t know where are they, must be more than Amy Schumer out there.
And I know some of you dudes saying to the screen right now “You bitches ain’t funny that’s why you ain’t getting booked” Well listen up you misogynistic asshole YES WE ARE and the reason why we might not be as funny is because we are given WAY LESS opportunities than male comics. For every show a female comic has, a male comic has 7!
It’s not for everybody. Plenty of nights I find myself walking the streets late after a show thinking I was going to get robbed, killed or rapped. That’s the life. You have to be super independent and feel comfortable traveling alone. You have to be one of guys, BUT DON’T SLEEP WITH THEM JESUS. I swear some girls do stand up to find dudes, and YOU WILL find one because they are hungry, horny and lonely and will be happy to have sex with you. And you don’t have to be funny for that. Just own a vegina. If you have decided to smash a comic then make sure you both aren’t running in the same circles because the last thing you want is talk about his small dick and he’s in the audience of this sad open mic. Find a comic that you have to go to extreme to see him (he could be on tv) or just have high standers and find a dude with a real job and stop doing comedy to find dick.
I gotta say at this point of my life I see myself with a funny dude. I love laughing and make people laugh. This is important to me more than money but not more than a hot body. You see where I’m going with this?
Back to the subject, I find myself pretty manly on stage and that’s why it was always weird for me to dress up all sexy. Not to mention I didn’t want to distract my audience with my tits all out. Wrong show. I want people to be like damn she’s hot but it’s more important for me to hear damn she’s funny. I’m performing 4 years now and JUST NOW I’m feeling more comfortable dressing like I’m going on a date for shows. A date I already know I wanna have sex with the dude. I usually dress like a male comic, jeans and t-shirt. I could never feel comfortable talking to a bunch of people without a bra, with my nips all sticking out, or mad high heel shoes, or see through clothes, and at the same time I gotta have makeup on. The look I was going for “ I’m not here to take your boyfriend Ladies!” And for dudes “I’m awesome but not your type relax”.
I think over all no female comic should look like she just came out of a beauty pageant. It just feels wrong, are you an actress that looking for attention? Are you a model who didn’t make it and people keep telling you you’re funny? Well that might not be enough. Doing stand up you have to let go of your pretty self and let your ugly face loss to get the good laughs. It’s worth it. And because you’re pretty people don’t expect you to be as funny so sometimes you gotta work harder. Ugly people just get sympathy right away pretty girls get a whole different limited acceptance because people assume you know nothing about life and you get all your shit for free because you’re pretty. And they are probably right. I was one ugly kid and teenager and literally just turned good looking so stop judging. I HAD ONE EYEBROW. I KNOW PAIN.
To end my first episode on this ladies.. Wear on stage whatever YOU FEEL COMFOTABLE IN. fuck everybody else, go DO YOU ! kill that shit in a dress or a robe but make sure you have some jokes.
Good Luck
Yours truly,
Ricki Maya Sofer

Example for line ups in major comedy clubs in NYC. I know some ladies will find this discouraging but this actually motivates me !

AND YOU ARE INVITED TO MY BIRTHDAY SHOW PARTY!!!